My message to childhood sexual abuse survivors: You can turn something devastating into something empowering. I’m a living testament to that.
This is certainly the most difficult thing I’ve ever shared.
But it is also the most important thing I’ve ever done.
And that’s surviving childhood sexual abuse.
It wasn’t at the hands of anyone in my family. It was at the hands of an evil predator in my childhood neighborhood. It was during some rough days in my youth and for family, too. My adopted parents had divorced, which took quite an emotional toll on me. It honestly broke my heart. And I’ll never fully recover from that.
My mother, sister, and I moved into my aunt and uncle’s lake home; it was wonderfully generous of them to welcome us the way they did. They actually added onto their home to create more space. And then, sadly, not too long after we moved into their home, their oldest son chose to end his life.
It was an impossible time for the family, as it would be for any. Many families have had chapters not unlike ours.
The predator lived next door to our home. He had an adopted son himself, and he preyed upon me with that trust and emotion. I was a 13-year-old boy looking for a father figure. He told me there were things that fathers teach sons, and since mine was away after the divorce and my uncle worked out of town during the week, he needed to teach me things that fathers teach sons.
He stole my innocence. He forever altered the course of my life.
Child pedophiles are, sadly, very good at what they do. They are some of the worst of the worst. Maybe the very worst.
He sexually abused me more than once, telling me it was important to learn these things that fathers teach sons. I was a small child. He was a large man. I was so scared and confused by what was happening. He knew how to have control. He knew how to have power over me. They are disgusting pros at what they do. They know what they are doing.
I’ve since learned many things about child sexual predators. It’s impossible to really explain, but you put trust into adults, and he betrayed that trust beyond measure.
But there was one very empowering moment for me. It was the last time he tried to abuse me. He told me it was time to learn some new things, and that was the moment that it stopped. I begged him to please not touch me anymore. He never did. And he made me promise that I’d never tell anyone about it. I didn’t, for the longest time. I put it away in the back of my mind because it was far too painful to deal with. I could never forget it, but I tried my best, for a time, to forget. It wasn’t until 2011 that I shared it with for the first time with someone: Deanne, who I was dating at that time, almost 25 years after the abuse happened.
And this thought is somewhat painful to share, but it’s been part of my healing process. One day after school, thinking things were good again in my young mind, I ran across from our lake house to his. I hit his front steps and flung open the glass door to see him in his recliner with another neighborhood boy in his lap. I was horrified and quickly said something to the effect of, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and closed the door and ran away. I ran through the woods to the lake and cried uncontrollably. I just cried. And what bothers me to this day is that I never told anyone about what I saw happening to that boy. I was so confused about what had happened to me. I guess I was ashamed, maybe as any young boy would be. But as my oldest siter, Noelle, told me, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I didn’t do anything wrong. He held the power over me, and that other young man, probably just two of God knows how many victims. It makes me sick to stomach to wonder how many of us he might have wounded. He was a church elder and an EMS ambulance worker. He had everyone fooled about who he really was. I often pray that every little boy that he likely abused grew up to survive and be okay.
In my early 20s there was some raging anger within me because of what he had done to me. Seeking revenge against him began to dominate my thoughts. But thank goodness, my mind, heart and soul told me to go another direction, to turn it around, to turn it into good. I couldn’t destroy my life or my family’s life, even though I knew I’d be ridding the world of something evil. I had to overcome, and I feel like I have.
That’s why I long ago dedicated my life to helping children, to helping those little ones less fortunate—those littlest, most innocent ones, our precious children.
This is something I’ve walked with for almost 40 years. Now has become the time to put it down, as much as one can. My family did nothing wrong. They didn’t know. I couldn’t talk about this until my parents were called home. It might have broken them, and I couldn’t bear that thought. And it’s something that no child ever asks for or would ever sign up for, but it is part of my story, and I’m sharing these words simply because I’d like to help others, others like me. Sadly, there are many others like me. But I want to be a champion for them, to let them know they did nothing wrong, and they don’t have to be afraid or ashamed.
It has affected me with trust and understanding the boundaries of love. It has sadly affected past relationships before I understood the damage that had been done to me. I’m sincerely sorry for anyone I may have pushed away. I’m sorry.
My abuser died some years ago of a terminal illness. And it may sound harsh to say, but I can’t really express the amount of joy I felt in my heart that he was dead, that he couldn’t hurt anymore children. I felt he got what was coming his way.
I’m so relieved that I never battled addiction or chose suicide or chose to abuse children to seek retribution against my abuser.
I’ve dedicated my life to turning that around, to helping others, especially children.
And that’s my most important message to other survivors out there who might be struggling…
You can be okay.
You can live.
You can most certainly find the beauty in the world and the joys of life.
You can overcome.
You can do great things in this world.
You can turn something devastating into something empowering.
I’m a living testament to that…
This is the first time I’ve shared this life journey with all my friends and family. I didn’t address it for the longest time; rather, I suppressed it. I made the decision to lose myself in work for decades. It’s not difficult to understand why. But it has been healing to talk, to read and to talk more about surviving something so difficult. I didn’t know how to process it then, but I do now. It is the most important thing I’ve ever done in life, surviving childhood sexual abuse.
Thanks for taking the time to read along. I’m sorry for dropping something so heavy just like this, but it was time to share.
I’m happy to talk with anyone out there struggling with this type of issue. Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out. I’m here.
Vinnie VInzetta is a sports reporter and weekend sports anchor for KENS 5 in San Antonio.