Twitter is faltering. Here’s 7 Texans who should replace Elon Musk as Twitter CEO.

I would like to formally apologize to my mother, who does not post pictures of Nazi soldiers online.

It appears, as Musk has taken over Twitter, that he is content with being even more terminally online than before, acting as CEO and sole customer service rep in addition to being one of its more tedious users. The latter position he performed dutifully for years without having to pay the equivalent of a medium-sized South American nation’s yearly GDP.

And so far, it isn’t working. Amid mass layoffs, resignations by the security team, threats of bankruptcy, and probably something else very bad happening as I type this, Twitter users worldwide are already lamenting (and, in some cases cheering on) the company’s impending demise.

Aside from the objective fact that he is bad at posting, Musk should be solving the rest of the world’s problems, like making electric cars or making tunnels that elude traffic, or whatever he takes government money to do. He needs to hire a figurehead, an outward-facing people-person who can steer the ship in the right direction before the ship catches on fire, hits an iceberg, and sinks to the bottom of the ocean.

Mark Cuban

Watching Shark Tank in every hotel room I’ve been in for the last decade has turned me into a CubeHead. Long gone (mostly) are the days of the hot-headed Mavericks owner just stepping in it on a weekly basis. Now, he seems like a normal guy who could monetize this dumb app in other ways than asking people to pay $8 per month so they can impersonate Lockheed Martin or the ADL.

Cubes has already tried to talk some sense into Musk, but we’re not sure if he has completely let it … sink … in. My apologies.

At the very least, Cuban is a fellow billionaire, so that’s something.

Megan Thee Stallion

She’s talented and good at posting, plus her stans are infinitely more normal than Musk’s. Meg would never nickel-and-dime people for Twitter Blue, which we’ll check on right now.

Well, then.

Meg isn’t afraid to speak her mind and is funny online. Musk can only claim the former quality.

Future Former Austin Mayor Steve Adler

Adler is going to need something to do, and pretty soon. There’s a runoff for his spot on December 13, and Adler hasn’t even endorsed a candidate. This lame duck is something of a technocrat — remember when he said that even though housing costs were rising in Austin, that Tesla’s move to the city would hopefully “bring in the housing as part of their movement?” Did anyone ever figure out what that meant?

It appeared — and appears still — that Adler, like Gov. Abbott and others, treat Musk as he wishes: like he is a world-changing entrepreneur who is going to save the world with job creation. Never mind that he just slashed the workforce at Twitter! 

Perhaps Adler could use his next few months as an ambassador to bring Twitter to Austin while cheerleading for the company as its head honcho.

Erykah Badu

The “Didn’t Cha Know?” singer is inherently qualified to run Twitter. She’s a grade-A poster, weird punctuation and all. Badu is beloved by an intersection of terminally online communities. And, perhaps most importantly, she has emerged relatively unscathed from a slew of controversies that include but are not limited to the topics of indecent exposure, Hitler’s paintings, R. Kelly, Bill Cosby, a temporary tattoo of the word “Allah,” and more.

Yikes. Anyway, has anyone else better embodied the spirit of “just asking questions?” That notion is essentially the lifeblood of Twitter, for better or worse.

My Friend Alix

Hear me out. My friend Alix is detail-oriented, a great communicator, and a thoughtful, experienced poster. Plus, she’s half Texan, half French. Kind of a unicorn, huh? Ooh la la. 

The only issue I can see is that Alix works for a Twitter competitor, so she’ll have to be blown out of the water with a compensation package, of which I’ll accept a tiny finder’s fee.

Jason Calacanis

Just kidding, no Silicon Valley galaxy brain guys.

Evil MoPac

The pissed-off, sentient road has experience following Musk’s moves inside the state. They also understand massive traffic, generating new revenue, and are well-versed in crashes. It’s an unconventional idea, but Twitter needs a bold move to save it.